Monday, January 11, 2016

Seclusion...

Salam.

I am confusing myself.

There are so many sides of me nowadays - one is impatient,wanting time to move faster. Another is calm,rested and logical,wishing that time can stop for a moment so I can absorb the good moments & the rest are just walking in different directions altogether.

Growing older is odd,really.

And then there is this new attitude I have which is so out of MY norm - having a negative outlook towards socializing or any humanly form of contact.

-_______-"

Being the person that I am,I'm all for meeting new people but recently I prefer seclusion,only wanting to spend time alone and with those who matter. I have a theory that perhaps I've been too much of a chatterbox these past few years that I'm just plain exhausted now,sigh. So recently,I've started appreciating the warmth of my room,excessive Whatsapp notifications from the family group especially my parents (I mean they ask what we do everyday you might as well just send them daily reports complete with footnotes and everything already...) and some alone time with my thoughts.

I prefer seclusion so much that I sometimes get texts from those around me asking me if I'm okay or if I'm still breathing in real-life bcoz my social media's up and running BUT I'm just nowhere to b seen nowadays,haha.

But seriously,I personally believe that a period of seclusion is what everyone needs to recharge and rethink of the things you want in life and y you're doing what you do. It's the right time to re-check your intentions and look back on what you've done and re-evaluate everything altogether. For these past few months it's been so hectic for me that now when I have time to re-think,I really,REALLY re-think. Especially about life in general - what now,what's next,how do I get there etc.

And then there is also this other side of me who clings on to whatever it is that makes me feel that life is worth living - loved ones,experiences gained,achievements and memories......................

I pray that patience will forever b one of my strongest traits. Whatever it is that is meant for me,will always find its way. I also pray that He will always grant me mercy,guidance and strength,thru and thru,to b the best that I can b,insyaAllah.

Okaybai.


Thursday, January 7, 2016

Just Keep Swimming...

Salam. 7th January 2016. The 2nd post for today & the year. *haha

Have you ever been so scared of the future that altho you kept on telling yourself that He's got your back,you're still just so terrified that your stomach churns at the thought of it?

It happened to me last night,guys.

It all started with me watching this beautiful wedding video Nubhan AF Raikan Cinta etc for 'inspiration' pfft, like I need one. I'd like to worry sometimes,feel a little pressured when people keep on telling you to just get hitched already. Once or twice is okay but when you hear it every week?

*faints*

Someone give me a break please.

Of course I want to get married. Who doesn't? Do Nazry and I talk about it? Yessss! Can we afford to do it now? Sure,if we follow by the Sunnah and only do the compulsory things. But is it feasible at this point in time? Umm,I'm not so sure about that. 

As a couple,we always weigh things up. He said he'd marry me tomorrow if he could. But that is if we live in a perfect world where all is good and well. I think upbringing plays a big role in this. If you were raised in a family whose all for it - let us support all your mini wedding etc,then Alhamdulillah you are super lucky. But if you were raised in a household like ours,which is not a bad thing at all,then it's a whole different story. 

I really really don't blame our parents. Family life wise,my four other siblings and I have been very well taken care of - we have a mother who nurtured us well and a father who works really really hard to provide us with all the things that we need and more. So of course when they want to let go of their children,they'll b a little protective. At the end of the day,they would only want to give their daughter away to a man who is capable of taking care of her better or at least,as well as they did!

So do you get the picture? That is one thing - upbringing. The next one would have to b financials. Like it or not,marriage is expensive. If I can't even manage my own financials,forget about managing the household financials. And the most important thing of all is our Deen. I can go on and on about it. Being a wife is not an easy task neither is being a husband. Your spouse is a form of amanah from Allah and you need to b well-equipped to take up the responsibility. How do you lead a family institution and keep it upright when you yourself are still learning and...not so...upright? Urmmmmm.

So we keep delaying the date of marriage. Which is (sometimes) fine by us but then fear strike and I can't help but think as I'm about to face a turning point in my life and after that it's gonna b a whole different ballgame for me. For us. People say that transitions are one of the biggest reasons on y relationships fail and I totally agree. The both of us have been there in previous relationships. It scares Nazry but it scares me even more. 

"What if when you're working and some stable better than me,established guy takes you away from me?"

Loooong sigh.

But thinking about it all,as many panic attacks as we can get,even if we get married now even,nothing is ever certain. You know what they say right? 

'Jodoh dan mati di tangan Tuhan.'
(Love and Death is under God's decree)

And if we always remind ourselves everyday that there is a Greater Force who is in Control,we'd b a little less panicked and a little more...submissive. It's this Tawakkal concept that I love so much. Easier said than done,really - you work as hard as you can to achieve your means,and then you surrender it all to Him to do His magic. Okay,don't think about all the nice and beautiful things lah,let's go back to the root of it all - will I even b given the rezeki to b well and alive on my supposedly 'certain' wedding day? Wallahua'alam. I might even b meeting my Creator well before I meet my future husband and beautiful kids as a matter of fact!

So y am I worrying about this again?

Exactly.

Nazry or no Nazry,He has it all under control. And Liyana or no Liyana,He has it all under control too,okay? I pray that things will b easy on us. I pray that He keeps us steadfast towards goodness despite it all. I pray that He will soften the hearts of those around us. And I pray that you won't b feeling so defeated like all the time! I got your back.

"Let's take it as it comes."

"Okay,we'll take it as it comes whilst we still can okay?"

"Okay...."

Oh and before I finish writing, here's something I learned. At the end of the day,got love life or not,b sure to take good care of your parents,first and foremost. Respect them. They've been there for you the longest and regardless of everything,they will always b there for you to pick up the pieces. Barakah comes from them. If you have your key people,you have everything,insyaAllah.

All in all,just keep swimming,guys.

Just. Keep. Swimming.

Okaybai.




Perspective...

Salam.

My very first post for 2016!

I haven't written for so long. I'm always writing something and ending up deleting everything. I guess it gets exhausting sometimes. I looked at my last post and realized that it's been almost 4 months since I last blogged. I'd just like to apologize for having been gone for awhile. Life has been so confusing these past few months (actually the whole past year) that I've been keeping everything to myself. It came to a point where I broke down so bad and I started losing myself altogether. 

I guess I've reached where I question myself y I write what I write. I know I write mainly to document my life. But suddenly I felt intruded. Okay,maybe intruded isn't the right word but I feel a bit exposed. Maybe it's bcoz I started writing to please others. I think to much and when you think too much,you tend to think that you're being judged all the time especially based on your posts.  

I was so angry at everything. I was so misunderstood too. A close friend of mine told me that it's a price to pay for putting myself so out there but that doesn't mean it's a bad thing. I've always been an open book and while the journey has been great,I can't deny that it has been (very) rough lately.

I know it's not good to feel so angry about things. But I guess that's how we are. We're humans. We get angry sometimes. And in my case,I get very angry sometimes. Funny thing is,I don't even know who or what I'm angry at most of the time. It changes! Some days,I'm just so angry at the society for having no empathy. On some other days,I'm just basically angry at myself for not being adequate enough for the society. For not being adequate enough for myself. And most importantly,for not being adequate enough for the people I love. 

So along the process of weighing things,I lost myself.

But then again,that's what life is all about isn't it? Losing and finding yourself over and over again. You'll never 'have it together' all the time. You're bound to get lost again and it's okay. 

So I knew I needed a break. After all that,I came back here stronger. I healed bit by bit,I started seeing people and I started to mean what I say,more.

It's true what people say you know? As cliche and difficult as it sounds - you got to learn to trust your Creator. It takes a big chunk of you,if not the whole of you,to do just that. Trusting your Creator and giving it all to Him,feels like the hardest thing to do until it's the only thing you're left with. 

Bcoz let me tell you something,nobody is going to understand what's going on in that crippled frame of yours. The hurt you go thru,the pain,the disappointment,nobody is going to 100% understand that. The confusion of not knowing what's next,the people you're angry at,you're not gonna b less angry doing nothing. I know how painful it is. But really,this is where you gotta go back to the Root of it all and do a re-check.

At the end of the day,you are more than who you think you are. You are more than what the society perceives you to b. You are more than your weaknesses. You are more than the things or the people who weigh you down. You are more than your uncertainties!

But you so deserve to b angry. You deserve it so much. But you have to let that go. 

You have to let that go.

Bcoz you may b angry to those who have hurt you,you may b angry with the circumstance you're put in and you may b angry with yourself for not being adequate enough. But if you know how His love is a WHOLE LOT BIGGER than that anger,that negativity,you'll just cry in admiration of all the Good things there are. It just takes losing yourself to realize that again and again. After all,we are made to learn. We are made to do good.

So,

You do you.

It's just a bad phase,not a bad life.

Okaybai.