Monday, January 11, 2016

Seclusion...

Salam.

I am confusing myself.

There are so many sides of me nowadays - one is impatient,wanting time to move faster. Another is calm,rested and logical,wishing that time can stop for a moment so I can absorb the good moments & the rest are just walking in different directions altogether.

Growing older is odd,really.

And then there is this new attitude I have which is so out of MY norm - having a negative outlook towards socializing or any humanly form of contact.

-_______-"

Being the person that I am,I'm all for meeting new people but recently I prefer seclusion,only wanting to spend time alone and with those who matter. I have a theory that perhaps I've been too much of a chatterbox these past few years that I'm just plain exhausted now,sigh. So recently,I've started appreciating the warmth of my room,excessive Whatsapp notifications from the family group especially my parents (I mean they ask what we do everyday you might as well just send them daily reports complete with footnotes and everything already...) and some alone time with my thoughts.

I prefer seclusion so much that I sometimes get texts from those around me asking me if I'm okay or if I'm still breathing in real-life bcoz my social media's up and running BUT I'm just nowhere to b seen nowadays,haha.

But seriously,I personally believe that a period of seclusion is what everyone needs to recharge and rethink of the things you want in life and y you're doing what you do. It's the right time to re-check your intentions and look back on what you've done and re-evaluate everything altogether. For these past few months it's been so hectic for me that now when I have time to re-think,I really,REALLY re-think. Especially about life in general - what now,what's next,how do I get there etc.

And then there is also this other side of me who clings on to whatever it is that makes me feel that life is worth living - loved ones,experiences gained,achievements and memories......................

I pray that patience will forever b one of my strongest traits. Whatever it is that is meant for me,will always find its way. I also pray that He will always grant me mercy,guidance and strength,thru and thru,to b the best that I can b,insyaAllah.

Okaybai.


Saturday, June 7, 2014

To Give Up Or To Hold On...

To give up... or to hold on. To give up... or to hold on. To give up... or to hold on.

I've been questioning the same question to myself for the past few days and this question can never b answered by anyone including me. At this one corner of my heart,i'm giving up on someone and i know it's impossible but somehow i hope,at one tiny corner of that person's heart,i still do exist there. To b honest,i don't really care if that particular someone doesn't show his effort to talk to me or not coz i can now cope with it tho its hard for me not to contact that someone within just a day. I actually survived these past few days without contacting him. I'd b lying if i say i don't miss him coz it feels wrong that i can't go a day without talking to him and it does feels weird when you used to talk to someone everyday throughout the day and night and suddenly it all changed without you expecting it. It just happened like today you mean so much to that person like oh hi Sayang,what're you up to and stuff,but the next day you're just a stranger to him or her. Like nothing had ever happened between both of you. The least i could do right now is to stop my fingers from contacting him no matter how bad i miss him.

I will try and presevere all the pain that will comes along the way and not to depend on you to slowly let everything go so that it wont hurt so much when the time comes. I've lost my secret jar coz you know,not everything you can share with your buddies or family members. Sometimes the opposite gender understands well. There's just so many things that i wanted to tell that person but words can never slips out of my mouth. It hurts so much when things turned out this way. Who would even want it to end up like this? Nobody would.

The only thing that holds me back right now is the promises that we both made. Promises are meant to b broken,yes true enough but y can't a person prove it wrong? Things aren't going right anymore. I'd rather wait and succumbed all the pain that comes a long than regretting for not holding on when things get tough,like right now. I had fought so much on this,for both of us that giving up is the only choice i have and obviously it's not an easy task for me to do. I'm not the type of person who gives up easily unless if i'm stuck in between two persons or something that is better off if i give up. All i ask is for that person to b with me like we both used to and if Allah wills,everything will b okay. Yes,i'm still depressed over what had happened. It's quite sad how people make promises like 'i will always be there for you blablabla yadayada' "I PROMISE" but then things haven't gotten any better when something bad comes up.

The feeling of losing someone is always sucks and heartbreaking and the hardest part is you have to show to people that you don't wanna seem so weak coz nobody wants that to b happened. Or that moment when you can't b bothered anymore after being put down. I do believe that things have a way of working out but there's no point of staying or holding on to someone who has already let you go with or without you knowing. Sometimes i feel that i've given so much happiness to others that i deserve to have my wishes come true. Wouldn't it b fair? When your life goes from perfect to undeniably pathetic,you can't help but to wonder what you did wrong to deserve it. Crap. It's true when people say to never promise something that you're unsure with cause you'll eventually end up disappointing someone or vice versa. On the other hand,i do think about y i started and y i don't feel like quitting. Oh the irony. I'm holding all my feelings till i myself don't know what to feel anymore. I feel like giving up on everything but there's always something that holds me back. What if the person made those promises and put up with you bcoz they had to? Worst feeling much,no doubt. I remain to b like this coz i want to keep on going. Who knows if it might get me to somewhere i never expect myself going to b? 

P/S: If only that particular person read this,i wish he cares or even if he doesn't,i hope he can see how confused i am right now whether i should give up or to hold on. There's always the pros and cons on doing something and I WISH. I really wish if i have any other solutions to fix everything so that everything will b back to normal again like before. This has got nothing to do with my ego or his ego or our ego but ourselves. The inner part in each other's heart. InsyaAllah,i'll b patient with everything and i hope Allah grant me patience to overcome all this on my own. Goodbye for now and wassalam.




Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Hilang Radar

Salam.

Selalunya bila kita x suka untuk dperlakukan dengan cara yang kita x sukai,kita x sepatutnya melakukan ketidaksukaan itu kepada orang lain. But given the fact that life is unfair,sometime whether your like it or not,you will b possibly get treated badly. 

Aku malas nak ungkit kisah2 lama yang x ada faedah tapi yang memang memberi kesan kepada emosi dan psikologi kepada aku. Tapi aku rasa kadang2 atas apa yang berlaku,itu semua salah aku juga. So,aku slowly let the pain go even kadang2 aku tersedih jugak tapi aku rasa kalau aku terus let myself mingling in the past,i will never move on. So yeah,perlahan2 aku tutup buku lama. 

Anyway,aku sebenarnya kecewa dengan beberapa isu yang berlaku dalam hidup aku. Tapi kadang2 aku pujuk diri aku ni supaya x melayan perasaan kecewa aku. Yang mana aku bole ignore,aku ignore je. Tapi kadang2 bila aku ignore and jadi lagi sekali,perasaan kecewa tu lagi meninggi. In the end,mulalah aku rasa sedih. 

Kadang2 aku confuse nak luahkan rasa kecewa tu or nak simpan je dalam hati. Diam tu lebih baik ke? Hurm,entahlah. Tapi bila luahkan pun belum tentu things will get better kan? 

Communication failure? Lack of empathy? 

X pasti jawapan kepada masalah yang melanda aku. 

Okay lah. Cukup sampai sini. Bye