Salam. 7th January 2016. The 2nd post for today & the year. *haha
Have you ever been so scared of the future that altho you kept on telling yourself that He's got your back,you're still just so terrified that your stomach churns at the thought of it?
It happened to me last night,guys.
It all started with me watching this beautiful wedding video Nubhan AF Raikan Cinta etc for 'inspiration' pfft, like I need one. I'd like to worry sometimes,feel a little pressured when people keep on telling you to just get hitched already. Once or twice is okay but when you hear it every week?
Someone give me a break please.
Of course I want to get married. Who doesn't? Do Nazry and I talk about it? Yessss! Can we afford to do it now? Sure,if we follow by the Sunnah and only do the compulsory things. But is it feasible at this point in time? Umm,I'm not so sure about that.
As a couple,we always weigh things up. He said he'd marry me tomorrow if he could. But that is if we live in a perfect world where all is good and well. I think upbringing plays a big role in this. If you were raised in a family whose all for it - let us support all your mini wedding etc,then Alhamdulillah you are super lucky. But if you were raised in a household like ours,which is not a bad thing at all,then it's a whole different story.
I really really don't blame our parents. Family life wise,my four other siblings and I have been very well taken care of - we have a mother who nurtured us well and a father who works really really hard to provide us with all the things that we need and more. So of course when they want to let go of their children,they'll b a little protective. At the end of the day,they would only want to give their daughter away to a man who is capable of taking care of her better or at least,as well as they did!
So do you get the picture? That is one thing - upbringing. The next one would have to b financials. Like it or not,marriage is expensive. If I can't even manage my own financials,forget about managing the household financials. And the most important thing of all is our Deen. I can go on and on about it. Being a wife is not an easy task neither is being a husband. Your spouse is a form of amanah from Allah and you need to b well-equipped to take up the responsibility. How do you lead a family institution and keep it upright when you yourself are still learning and...not so...upright? Urmmmmm.
So we keep delaying the date of marriage. Which is (sometimes) fine by us but then fear strike and I can't help but think as I'm about to face a turning point in my life and after that it's gonna b a whole different ballgame for me. For us. People say that transitions are one of the biggest reasons on y relationships fail and I totally agree. The both of us have been there in previous relationships. It scares Nazry but it scares me even more.
"What if when you're working and some stable better than me,established guy takes you away from me?"
But thinking about it all,as many panic attacks as we can get,even if we get married now even,nothing is ever certain. You know what they say right?
'Jodoh dan mati di tangan Tuhan.'
(Love and Death is under God's decree)
And if we always remind ourselves everyday that there is a Greater Force who is in Control,we'd b a little less panicked and a little more...submissive. It's this Tawakkal concept that I love so much. Easier said than done,really - you work as hard as you can to achieve your means,and then you surrender it all to Him to do His magic. Okay,don't think about all the nice and beautiful things lah,let's go back to the root of it all - will I even b given the rezeki to b well and alive on my supposedly 'certain' wedding day? Wallahua'alam. I might even b meeting my Creator well before I meet my future husband and beautiful kids as a matter of fact!
So y am I worrying about this again?
Nazry or no Nazry,He has it all under control. And Liyana or no Liyana,He has it all under control too,okay? I pray that things will b easy on us. I pray that He keeps us steadfast towards goodness despite it all. I pray that He will soften the hearts of those around us. And I pray that you won't b feeling so defeated like all the time! I got your back.
"Let's take it as it comes."
"Okay,we'll take it as it comes whilst we still can okay?"
Oh and before I finish writing, here's something I learned. At the end of the day,got love life or not,b sure to take good care of your parents,first and foremost. Respect them. They've been there for you the longest and regardless of everything,they will always b there for you to pick up the pieces. Barakah comes from them. If you have your key people,you have everything,insyaAllah.
All in all,just keep swimming,guys.
Just. Keep. Swimming.