Thursday, January 7, 2016

Perspective...

Salam.

My very first post for 2016!

I haven't written for so long. I'm always writing something and ending up deleting everything. I guess it gets exhausting sometimes. I looked at my last post and realized that it's been almost 4 months since I last blogged. I'd just like to apologize for having been gone for awhile. Life has been so confusing these past few months (actually the whole past year) that I've been keeping everything to myself. It came to a point where I broke down so bad and I started losing myself altogether. 

I guess I've reached where I question myself y I write what I write. I know I write mainly to document my life. But suddenly I felt intruded. Okay,maybe intruded isn't the right word but I feel a bit exposed. Maybe it's bcoz I started writing to please others. I think to much and when you think too much,you tend to think that you're being judged all the time especially based on your posts.  

I was so angry at everything. I was so misunderstood too. A close friend of mine told me that it's a price to pay for putting myself so out there but that doesn't mean it's a bad thing. I've always been an open book and while the journey has been great,I can't deny that it has been (very) rough lately.

I know it's not good to feel so angry about things. But I guess that's how we are. We're humans. We get angry sometimes. And in my case,I get very angry sometimes. Funny thing is,I don't even know who or what I'm angry at most of the time. It changes! Some days,I'm just so angry at the society for having no empathy. On some other days,I'm just basically angry at myself for not being adequate enough for the society. For not being adequate enough for myself. And most importantly,for not being adequate enough for the people I love. 

So along the process of weighing things,I lost myself.

But then again,that's what life is all about isn't it? Losing and finding yourself over and over again. You'll never 'have it together' all the time. You're bound to get lost again and it's okay. 

So I knew I needed a break. After all that,I came back here stronger. I healed bit by bit,I started seeing people and I started to mean what I say,more.

It's true what people say you know? As cliche and difficult as it sounds - you got to learn to trust your Creator. It takes a big chunk of you,if not the whole of you,to do just that. Trusting your Creator and giving it all to Him,feels like the hardest thing to do until it's the only thing you're left with. 

Bcoz let me tell you something,nobody is going to understand what's going on in that crippled frame of yours. The hurt you go thru,the pain,the disappointment,nobody is going to 100% understand that. The confusion of not knowing what's next,the people you're angry at,you're not gonna b less angry doing nothing. I know how painful it is. But really,this is where you gotta go back to the Root of it all and do a re-check.

At the end of the day,you are more than who you think you are. You are more than what the society perceives you to b. You are more than your weaknesses. You are more than the things or the people who weigh you down. You are more than your uncertainties!

But you so deserve to b angry. You deserve it so much. But you have to let that go. 

You have to let that go.

Bcoz you may b angry to those who have hurt you,you may b angry with the circumstance you're put in and you may b angry with yourself for not being adequate enough. But if you know how His love is a WHOLE LOT BIGGER than that anger,that negativity,you'll just cry in admiration of all the Good things there are. It just takes losing yourself to realize that again and again. After all,we are made to learn. We are made to do good.

So,

You do you.

It's just a bad phase,not a bad life.

Okaybai.




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